Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

Me again. I thought i'm going to lose you. That's why i keep on checking up with you before i leave. But have no fear, i pack you into the book that i'm carrying with me. I found an empty book and i'm going to use that to replace my very own blog. When i get back from my sis's place, i'll be summarizing everything that i did there and report to you if i do feel disheartened about something. You know i will always do that. This blog isn't my diary but it's what my life is all about and how i see. That is all. I quit writing diary ever since i realize the freaking truth at such an early age. Early age indeed. I was 6 back then and yes i do know how to write already and i do know that i too have such a heartbreaking feeling when it was suppose to be a pure one. Straight to the point, my sister show my diary to my mom and i was being mocked around because of that. Thanks to that, most of the time i don't show how i truly feel whenever i see their faces until now. Anyway, i forgot to share with you something. Roll under.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I got something for you.It's my little gift for you.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

'All my bags are packed, i'm ready to go,,, I'm standing here outside your door,,, I hate to wake you up, to say goodbye,,,lalalala,,,' The infamous song that i keep on singing if i ever go away. Last time i usually sing it out loud for a few days or maybe weeks but now i'm only singing either for my own ear or a day before i leave town. I'm not really sure about the lyrics but i always sing it like that. Yes, i could have checked the lyric and so on but i always want my way. Indeed, destroying the lyric you may call it. I'm leaving in few hours more and i wonder if i could sleep like the dead tonight. I'm going to miss my room, my novels, my precious black book and the room that i spend most of my time in. I think it's my own place. Although i've been itching to get rid of the bed inside my room but i think i'll have to wait a little longer on that. I don't really mind waiting that long cause i know there's always something special in between. Maybe. It's the only way for me to coax my own lonely heart. Gosh, i sound so dramatic.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I'm dead tired and my hand seem to be giving out some sort of reminder or warning you might say. It happened a long time ago. I can't remember whether i mention about my wrist and how it pained me to the point i have to stop kneading the dough. The true and real reason why i stop selling curry puff. I did told you about my business thing right but since my wrist hurts a lot after wrestling with flour and dough. This time i hurt my arm. I can't bend my arm since last night. But after bandaging it, i finally be able to bend a bit. I don't know what i do with it but i'm thinking it's the way i'm typing right now. I don't have a chair and a table that is comfortable for me in my room so i usually lean down and using both of my hand to take all the weight from my body. So, probably that's why. Plus, these past few days, i've been using my hand a lot. I overdid it again. As usual.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I just stuffed myself with cracker. I'm hungry for some reason. Well i should be since i didn't eat rice for the whole day. That include yesterday also. My mom made soup and it's vegetable soup. You probably think that i won't eat it. You're wrong. That is the only way to get me eat vegetable. And of course i won't refuse it and such since i love the taste of it somehow. Don't ask me why i like it that way but refuse to eat it other than making it a soup cause i don't have the heart to explain. After all i don't see why i have to explain so many things. And i don't see anyone asking me why so why do i have to bother myself. I'm being hard-headed again. Forget that.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I'm healed. Bwahahahaha. Sorry. I shouldn't be laughing right now but i'm just glad that i manage to keep myself healthy today. After struggling with heat and cold yesterday and the day before, i finally healed. Which is probably the reason why i disappeared so suddenly from the world of high tech that i'm living whether i want to or not. The reason of me having fever and such well probably because it was raining hard in this so called land that i'm in and i was busy locking the gate to my house and get myself inside the car with wet shirt for a 30 or 45 minutes ride and with the air condition on. With a tired and weak body that i have that day, i had a feeling i will be getting myself either a cold or just some high fever. We had a dinner that day. It was Thursday and my sister (the one who's married already, second one) plan to bring us, the whole family to dinner somewhere in Matang. So we had to leave early and have our prayer at my sis's house then we'll be off to that place. Unfortunately, with the smashing wall and cleaning the aftermath has tired me out that day and i think it was my limit, i force myself to join them cause i want to spend my time with them at least once and it was all i ever dream off and so as we went out it was raining heavily with strong winds. The umbrella did nothing but bring more wet than dry. So as i try to cover my mom from getting wet (wondering why we have only one umbrella at home), i got my whole back wet. I was drenched from behind and although i did cover my mom, the umbrella is too small for us and there's problem with locking our stupid gate my mom got wet on her other side. Done with the locking, we got ourselves into the car and it was damn cold. No one seem to bother to switch off the air-cond although we moan about the cold. And so with an exhausting body, drenched and cold environment, who could survive in that situation? Dinner was great but the service is slow and very confusing. The food was okay though. I was hungry so i can't think if it is delicious or not. We spend an hour and half waiting for my sis's order to arrive. It was pretty annoying and thankfully i got my food early so i won't make a scene if i'm in the same position as them. But we were all pretty happy that day so nothing can ruin it. We were thankful our dad didn't comment much since he have his favourite food there. So it kind like coax his temper. Anyway, that is the reason i got myself such a high fever. I don't need a thermometer to measure my head and such, i know it's high cause i feel like i'm burning the mattress under me. As soon as i got back from the dinner, i change my clothe and cover myself up. Early in the morning i was moaning of the heat but still had blanket, comforter all over me. The next day i slept like the dead. Wake up late and feeling all refreshed. That is why i didn't post anything at all or reply anything. I need my body, my strength to be healthy and to feel like i was lucky for them. Yup, it was for them.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I don't know what this blog would lead to. But all i know, my very motive to create this blog not only updates that i want to share with my friends but also a lesson that i want to give for those in need. That is all i think off. But somehow i don't know why i wasn't able to deliver the message really well. I guess it's the problem that i always face no matter where i go. I think i'm masking myself too well. And probably the reason why i'm unable to say the whole truth. I am telling the truth but not the whole story. Even in my own blog. My thoughts for all that is to leave people with 1001 question in their head but i guess the nature of people nowadays. They love making rumours instead of asking the real thing. I'm in awe but only for the first time. After a couple of times, i got tired of it and let them do all the talking instead. But i really didn't expect that i have to get this kind of treatment from my friend also. I'm flabbergasted and refuse to comment anymore than that.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I'm cold. My body ached. I really feel like i'm getting old before the my own age. It is the sign of getting myself a fever if i pushed myself way too hard. I don't know why i worked so hard and i don't want to doubt my reasons any longer. Daisy, i'm so tired. My throat is killing me. Probably due to the dust. They finally done it. They smashed the wall and the toilet. Now the house is fill with dust and i don't know why i'm a bit weak and my health seems to be not in good condition. Did i eat properly? I can't remember. Somebody should have just shot me in the head if i'm unable to tell about the simple thing.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

People ask too many things from me. They want me to be honest, i did that. They want me to tell them my problem, i did that also. Seriously, i must be getting tired of everything for saying yes to whatever they want. Yup, i seem to be tired right now. Now what will i talk about Daisy? They forbid me from talking about what i always did in the past. Now they just took notice of everything and question my very action. Satisfying other people can be tiring. I better disappear in thin air if this keeps coming.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I am quite tired of it. Of everything. I really don't know what to expect anymore. Everyone is changing, making plan and cancel it as they please. Finds an excuses for everything. I have enough trouble going in my head and when i make decision, it is what i chose. Yes, i do feel burden in every decision that i make but i can't cut myself into two or three or four. I can't even duplicate myself and i don't have any intention to get myself a clone. In other words, i can't satisfy everyone needs. I understand that much so why can't they? I really thought i make myself clear already. This is killing me. I don't want to get angry on this matter but i have to say, i'm frustrated over the effort that they are putting. Yes, i complained a lot and there's always something wrong in my eye. I could fix it but i refuse to do so and i refuse to interfere anymore. I was too broken hearted at the first place and now, i have to deal with this. I could say it straight to their face instead of stating it here like a coward but how many of them can take my wrath positively? I know only one of them can since she keep on pestering and messing with my mood anyhow she please. But i never take it to heart and i always apologize if i get the feeling that she doesn't get my response. I am really getting weary with all this.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I'm in a dilemma. I don't know how will i be able to get used to their love so suddenly like this. I really don't know. I think i'm still dreaming. Yup, i am dreaming right now. Maybe someday i'll might wake up and cherish this dream. Wondering why i said that? Well, just scroll on.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I don't feel like posting anything yesterday. Sorry Daisy, i'm being mean again. I'm trying to build a great wall again. And lock the freaking wall around my heart. How could i let it slip away. I must be nuts. Some might wonder why i try so hard to lock my own heart and won't even let any of the vulnerable feelings to enter. I have my reasons. Things will get complicated if i do receive their feelings towards me and it will get worse if i return them. I don't want it to be complicated nor i'm ready for it. I might be cool about it and tell the truth but it doesn't mean that i don't feel a thing or don't have any question nor doubt about it. I put myself in their position and that is probably the reason why i don't want to face any of that sorts. I do have a solution but i'm not going to take the chances. That whole heart matter and such will bring me no where if they know the truth. This is like playing a chess. Although i am not so wise about chess but i do know when to not make a move at all and surrender to check mate. Lets not compare it to chess. It hurts my pride for losing in that mind game. I hate losing but tolerance heal everything. I wonder if people get it.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

Keep yourself hidden from them Daisy. I am not the one having a lot of secrets but i keep what's precious to me. At least i'm saving that untainted part for myself and for you Daisy. I wish i could remember the happy moment and recall it back whenever i needed. But that one particular day, ruined everything. I missed the old me. The one who didn't have much too worry about and just get on with my life. It was a joyful and very meaningful for me. Back then,,,,

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I'm sleepy. Until then Daisy.............................

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

You can curse me all you want for disappearing and for my lack of enthusiasm to update with any news. Yes, i do have plenty of news. Plenty of things happen and i'm sorry for keeping you in the dark. Sorry for yesterday. I told you before that i need to share the broadband with my sister. So, last night was her night and i end up playing Need For Speed. It's an old version and i hurt my hand while playing with it last night. It has been a while. I'll tell you in a bit why i stop playing with it so suddenly and the reason why i stopped doing what i love to do or just stop liking what i always liked. I have some news for you. You might not like it or the opposite. I do and i'm prepare to do what i'm capable of doing. Keep reading if you care.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

Sorry for the absent last night. Well, since my sister is on holiday i have to tolerate with her annoying demands. If you're asking me why i don't bother to argue or smack her head off, probably because i trained myself not to snapped easily when it comes to my family member. Even if it kills me to hear her tantrum and such i'll have to bear it all. It is pretty annoying and sometimes i did snapped when i don't feel like playing a good sister role. I'm not so angel-like most of the time. Hell no. Don't think it that way. Life can be really surprising if one knows what i really think of and what i'm capable of doing. I don't want to go into detail. Yes, i might not be around quite sometime and i won't be updating much since my sister's demand and such. I don't want to deal with her pleading or whatever tantrum that she's capable of doing that can tick me off. I had a feeling i will be evil if i try to tolerate with her. My mood swings easily and this is not the time to be playing the good role. I won't be long. Just want to mention that my grandma is hospitalized. She broke her leg again. The operation was successful. Nothing to be worried about, i guess. I'm not that close with my grandma so you could say i don't feel anything towards that news. I know, i'm being heartless but i guess i accept things already. So, i think i'm prepared for whatever it is that i might lose one day. You know what i meant. It sounds easy but i know things could get ugly. But, i'm struggling here and will keep on doing so. Until then Daisy.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

Yes, i've been everywhere. Not really. Just around the house. Walking here and there. That means i'm bored. Bored too death. I purposely waking up late so i don't have to count every minute or every second of time pass by. I don't know what exactly that i'm supposed to do. I believe i'm at my wits end just because of all this. My handphone only work when i feel like messaging and the laptop can't even entertain me anymore. I can't sing because my mom said its noisy and i can't dance without the feeling of wanting to sing. Everything is limited. I almost feel like my muscles has been lazing off. Each time i run, i'll sprained bits of my freaking bone. I'm getting old. I don't know how old. Anyway, the real thing is i want to do some baking but i can't since the oven is being put away because of the renovation still going on. The smell of coffee early in the morning and on the evening is killing me. I don't know why but whenever i smell it i tend to feel sleepy. Actually i trained myself to sleep so i won't feel any banging headache that i have to suffer everytime someone drinks coffee. That's the same with people who smoke. Sometimes i have to glare at people so they stop puffing their smoke in front of me. I tend to do that without realizing i'm giving the evil part of me. I'm bored Daisy.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I'm still here and will always be. I thought i make everyone to prepare that i won't be updating anything. Well, it seems it have been paid and i can go online normally. The best thing is, i don't have to say goodbye anymore. Interesting isn't it? Which part, i don't know. I don't really have much to say Daisy. I don't know if i should share anything tonight. I'm afraid i won't be saying anything on what happen today. I am not being secretive about it nor there is anything that you need to be worried about. But i just want to have a moment for myself. I can't believe i'm avoiding you, Daisy. Forgive me but trust me in this. I'll share with you no matter what it is. But it doesn't mean i'm telling the whole thing. Until then Daisy

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

You must have thought i won't be updating anything right now. Well, i wasn't suppose to be updating anything at all since i thought the broadband die today. That is what i thought but clearly it have not died. Lovely, isn't it. You must have miss me? Did you? Probably not. What was i suppose to be thinking? Ermm, lets see, i'll be thinking that someone waited for my update just like i waited for someone's else update and maybe someone did take notice on the dull, lame me. Well, that is what i think. Using you as my attraction am i? Since the guy nowadays are dense, high standard and blind so that is why i'm using you but that doesn't mean i'm looking for someone. I thought i did told you that i still love the way i am right now. Meaning, love being single.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I've fallen deeply in love with the song. The song that seems like more of every women fantasy. I guess. You rarely hear men compliment you without any hidden agenda. But whenever i hear that song, i keep on thinking is possible if men can actually say that without anything hidden. Compliment women. That is what i mean. Even when they're getting older from the day he first saw her. I really did wonder. Well, here's what i have. If they truly love each other, then he might but if not and that love can be easily swept away by any strong wave then it is just nothing. I don't know. But yes, i have fallen in love with Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars (i think). I love that song but i never put it on my MP3. Probably, i myself have my own agenda. None of my favourite song in the past is in my MP3. I only hear it on certain occasion and that is when you'll hear me singing. So much for the rain to fall whenever i sing.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I think i exhausted myself over the changes that i made to my own blog after for so long. No, not this blog. The other blog that i have. I deleted my third blog cause i don't feel like sharing my impossible thoughts with everyone. Stingy right? But do i look like i care? Even the whole world needs to be stingy at something. Now that is a big fat lie. I guess. And then i also decided to add a bit in this blog but it seems not to work out so i deleted it. I don't intend to add song and whatsoever but just adding another page and it didn't work out. Even my sister don't know what is the problem. Nah, i don't know well about this whole blogging thing. I ask my sister if something does occur. I'm just not interested in knowing or understanding. I have my reasons of course. I told you, i'm a fast learner. Not that i want to boast about it but i am a fast learner. Care to know why i said that? Well...

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I've got my freedom back. It's not that hard to hurt people's feeling and i know i'm hurting my little sister feeling but i'm sorry. I have to be mean on this. This is the only way i'll be able to have my own life. This tiny part of mine, i really want to treasure it. I got my room back and i feel sorry for her whenever i consider her feelings but i really do hope she understands it. If i were have any money now, i'll buy her anything except for the SOLAR cd that she wanted for a long time. She won't be listening to it. So, might be just a waste of money if i do buy her that. Maybe i'll buy her a dress or something. I wonder if i should use the money i have to buy her something. *sigh. Guilt. Hell yeah. This is what i'm having now. Can't believe this. Why is it when i have money i prefer spending it for my sister or for my mom. Either i'm an idiot or i just don't feel like buying anything for myself. Probably the third option. The thing that i want is way too expensive and not worth the price. I'm always like that. So that's why i don't want to bring anyone if i went for shopping cause i'll end up getting them irritated because of my attitude. No one can understand my point of view.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I think i'm going to puke. Eat too much seafood and clearly, it's not good for me. But i'm getting tired of chicken and fish. Everyday its the same thing. I know i should be thankful, i am cause i still eat and finish it no matter what. And probably that is the reason why i keep on gaining weight. My head hurt eating too much seafood. Don't know why. Probably just overeating. I'm dizzy but i still want to share it with you Daisy. I got no one to share with if i'm hurt. I never told anyone in my family if it hurt or anything. They will make me uncomfortable if they do so. I told you, i'm used to them leaving me alone. If they have done 10 or 20 years earlier i wouldn't care. My memory seems to be getting out of hand lately. The last time i told them i don't feel good i end up dehydrating. Which happen during fasting month. They nagged me even when i'm in that state and make such a big fuss over it. I'm not used to it at all. It feels all weird. My mom do most of the nagging. I don't about my dad. No reaction at all. My other sister, they probably stay out of the way cause i sleep the whole time since i can't bear to open my eye without seeing the room spinning. I don't know. It only feels all weird getting my mom's attention like that. Gosh, my head hurt. Don't hassle over me Daisy. I'll be fine. My family still needs me so i have to toughen up no matter what. Daisy, i appreciate your wrinkle of worrisome but i'll be fine. I need to finish certain things before i tell Allah to take my life away. Joking. But it feels good thinking about death. Joking, again Daisy. I love my family the most and that is why i lead my life this path. I know Daisy. I could have done far greater than this but a family is not something that i can trade for.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

It's a short one. Daisy, if they keep doing this i think i have lost almost everything. What else can i hold onto now? The only one that keeps me here, keeps me around is the tiny spot that i safe for myself. If they trespass it, then what else can i have? I don't to talk about anything miserable anymore but this whole thing makes my life feels like nothing at all. Just like them, i want my privacy. I didn't even bother about their life, their privacy so why did they have to take it away? What the sudden sharing room? Why the sudden of everything? Sharing my room is the last blow for me. Yet, they assume it was nothing. I was used to being left alone so why now? Why now? Is it because i'm the only who still listens and act like a puppet? Cause i don't complaint or disobeyed? As a matter fact, i do complaint. But they take it as a joke. If only they be able to hear me out. Hear me out. That is all i'm asking. Grant me just one wishes of mine. That is all. Until then Daisy

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I know it's just anime and i know the ending will be tragic but i can't help it. Somebody, keep me away from watching those sad, tragic love story. Who wouldn't know anything about Romeo and Juliet and of course they both died in the end. But anime? Do they have to die as well? This is the reason why i avoid myself watching a tragic romance anime or just any type of story that ends with dying. It kills the hope and almost everything. I know people die in real life but at least some satisfying ending would be better. That is what i hope. At least in anime, drama or movie. This whole romance thing should not die just like that. I get emotionally distracted if i see this type of movie and such. I'll keep on thinking about it if i got nothing else to do. Probably the reason why i get annoyed if other people look down on love matter. So couples who are not serious about loving, stay away from me. I shall take whatever near me and smack you guys with it. So, bug off.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

When will it ever end? I know, it's not my business but this is family matters. When is it finally going to end? I shouldn't have bother but it is bothering me. Everyday i face the same question, problem and situation. This is really killing. I wish she listen and stop being too freaking smart about it. Probably she thought no one did care about her and such but everyone cares. If they don't care, they won't be nagging and whatever it is they are good in doing as a parent. I feel exhausted whenever this whole thing occur. What am i suppose to do? I live in a negative atmosphere almost everyday. Someone, please just leave me alone. If i try to patch things up will it ever work? Do they want me to be the third person in this? Is it the month or the gloomy day itself has making things worse, i don't know. When will this whole thing end? Unfair? Yes i do think everything that happen around me is unfair. I am not a taxi nor i wanted to be one. But what choice do i have. While my sister gets what they want most of the time, i have to work triple as hard to make them actually notice or hear me out. They listen, i know they do since they gave me promises and such but up until now which promises is it that they finally grant? Why is it? I'm start questioning everything and i'm afraid this will lead me to nowhere. I'm so scared that i would be lost if i start questioning my own action, my believes, their words and just everything.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

"Will you marry me, D?" Like hell i would. Did i surprise you? Wahahaha. Did that on purpose. The reason why i did that? Well, i'm just testing myself. What would i answer if someone does ask me that question right now. It turns out my heart give that kind of answer. I don't regret it. Yes, i am feeling lonely,cold and such but no, i don't to have any commitment yet. Too early. Way too early. I'm contradicting myself. The longer i see what happen around me, the longer i don't want any commitment. But as a Muslim i have to. Which is it? I don't know. I hear too many things and see too many. This is why i don't want to grow up way too quickly. I learn too quickly. As if. Well, from my point of view. I see too many things, learn it too fast but refuse to use it straight away. Thing could get really messy if i do so. Although i'm not smart academically but at least i have a better knowledge besides the theory that i would debate on. Again??? Daisy, how many times have i told you to smack me right in the face if i do stray away from the topic. (i dare you!!!) My answer is still no. I don't want to get married now. Too many question to ask and it's a bother. Ask me another day and see if i'll answer the way you want me to.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

No, i'm not going to be concerned as others about the new month and etc. Yes, i've become a gloomy, dark and unapproachable person. I don't care anymore. No one bothers about my freaking life. What i wanted and how i wanted it. I've endured as much as i can just for their own and now i want a part of mine free from their grasp. I think, i'll be making a move on it. I'm going to find a way to get myself out. Enough is enough. I'm not asking for anything big and expensive. All i'm asking is somewhere far from them. Their troubles and such. My head hurt and i feel suffocate. I already told my mom i want a vacation but she want to send me to my sister. That is not a vacation. If it's about money, i can earn it using everything and every way i can. I know it's a tough world but i can survive it. I really need to get out of this house. Daisy, i don't know what to cry about. My idiocy or my believe in them or my love for them. I really don't know. This really troubles me. I think, i'm going to vanish one day. Once i make everything ready, i'll be gone and breaking everyone's heart. Asking for their forgiveness and their understanding is a different matter. If they can't forgive me for choosing this path then i guess i'm fine with it. I really did hope they understand. It hurt. It really does. What is the use of me being honest about it when it turns out they still want their own way. I'm too hurt over this. It's enough. Daisy, one day. It will come. I have a place to go. I have a way to earn money and i'm going there sooner. Until then Daisy