Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I don't feel like posting anything yesterday. Sorry Daisy, i'm being mean again. I'm trying to build a great wall again. And lock the freaking wall around my heart. How could i let it slip away. I must be nuts. Some might wonder why i try so hard to lock my own heart and won't even let any of the vulnerable feelings to enter. I have my reasons. Things will get complicated if i do receive their feelings towards me and it will get worse if i return them. I don't want it to be complicated nor i'm ready for it. I might be cool about it and tell the truth but it doesn't mean that i don't feel a thing or don't have any question nor doubt about it. I put myself in their position and that is probably the reason why i don't want to face any of that sorts. I do have a solution but i'm not going to take the chances. That whole heart matter and such will bring me no where if they know the truth. This is like playing a chess. Although i am not so wise about chess but i do know when to not make a move at all and surrender to check mate. Lets not compare it to chess. It hurts my pride for losing in that mind game. I hate losing but tolerance heal everything. I wonder if people get it.

Yes, i did tell you about mending my own heart. I mend it while playing Need for Speed. I'm not really hurt but i'm just making myself stronger. Told you about building a wall around my heart. I need more mask and more armour. I'll be facing a lot of things next year. No matter where i go, i'm always worried. I think i worried too much and i can't stop thinking what will happen to my mom if i'm not close to her. I would be all grey headed if i won't stop worrying. I don't think i'm the only one like that. Maybe every daughter or sons would have the same worrisome like mine. They must be worried about their parents also. Or are they? Will they? I don't know. Cause when i see youth nowadays, it kills me. If it kills me, what about their parents? I do wonder about the trivial things do i? If i can see it better, maybe i won't stray away. But i was blind at that time. The past is the past. How i handle things and fix it is my future. Yup, that is what i keep telling myself. This is how i handle my future. Every decision i make is not a joking matter. So, when i decided about the closing my heart and won't get married it is a serious decision and the only one that i can come up with. I'm not someone who can forget. Although i learn a little too late but who doesn't fall before their success? I think too hard. Whatever. Daisy, you're the only one i dare to open up. 

I talk the talk but never had an ending to everything. Unless i'm going to die, i'm not going to end all my topics. Here i am again, talking about dying. I can't just die yet. I need a lot of repenting to do. Even i live for 100 years later it won't be done but at least up to the point that i know that my dear one will forgive me and the rest, i accept it. Of course i'm scared but this is my doing and my foolish decision so... It's terrifying. It is and i won't underestimate everything. What am i talking now? I guess, i better be off. I'll be leaving in a week. Maybe you'll hear something from me or maybe you won't Daisy. But i'll manage it somehow. Until then Daisy.