Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

Okay,  someone really need to slap me in the face (i dare you!!!). I can't believe it. I can't even contain my anger a little bit longer. This evening i was talking about going somewhere and leaving behind the problem for a bit cause i need a vacation. Now, i'm feeling all guilty if i really do make the move. All because my mom said something nice and here i am getting all melted like ice. I can't believe it. But i already told you that i'm not someone who can contain anger longer than a day. If i end up not talking to anyone for days and whatsoever, believe me i'm not doing any thinking on who's right and who's wrong on those days. In fact, i've done all the blaming and all the correcting and the scolding in a day. I don't want to talk to anyone not because i'm still angry, i just don't feel like talking. But i did a lot of thinking. About my life and everything about me. What i want to do, what time i wake up, whose rule i want to follow and etc. It's in my power and no one dare to come close to me at that time although i laugh while watching my favourite anime, sing out loud and even stay up at night. I use that time wisely and if i decided to let people talk to me, then i'll lower my killer aura around me. Yes, i do believe i can make other people's life into hell if i want to and if i was evil enough. Too bad my heart only busy worrying about myself.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I'm frowning again. I need to stop this. Whenever something bad happen or problem occurs i always frown to the point that my head hurt. I know i said i can solve any problem and so on but how can i solve a problem that goes between my mom and dad. No matter how hard i tried it will turn to me no matter what. Even if i don't do a thing my mom will vent out her anger towards me. Yes, i'm feeling so stress out to the point i feel like making some impossible decision. A selfish one. The situation itself force me to turn into someone. Yes, i am blaming the environment, the tense atmosphere in this particular house. I don't care if others feel the same thing like i did and they handle it quite well. I don't care anymore. I really don't know what else i can do Daisy. I don't know how long i will last and i don't know if i'm able to control my unstable emotional state. I really don't know. If i do burst out, could you tell my parents not to worry about me. I had enough. I'm hurt and i know they're hurt but i want them to think why i can't take it anymore. If they do decided to think negatively, i can't do anything. Other teenage would go out and meet their friends and enjoy here and there. Go to study or have their own work. While me, i sit at home, close to them feeling alone and mostly empty. I'm too tired to handle all of this. I feel like i can get nose bleed from the pressure that i put my head into now. Don't know how the brain works so i just say whatever i want to say for now.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

This might be a short post. Might. Don't put too much hope in it. Anyway, something is bugging me. Every night seems to be cold one for me and i had a hard time sleeping soundly. I'm always awake complaining the cold. I'm using air-cond. I know i could turn it off but the problem is i'm too lazy to switch on the fan. It doesn't have any remote. So just like any other night, i sleep with air-cond turned on and it was pretty cold. Even my sweater and my blanket don't give me the warm that i needed. But last was different. Very different indeed and i still wonder about it. I felt so warm and my back don't feel cold at all. Even my toes, my leg, my face and my hand don't feel cold at all. I felt like someone was beside me but might be just my imagination. Seriously, i really do need to get my feet on the ground. But seriously, last night i slept so soundly and by the time i woke up my room is bright already. I didn't even wake up in the middle of the night like i always do. I'm glad that i feel warm when i needed heat. Although it is a mystery but i'm grateful for the warmth. It gave me a lot of strength somehow. You might not get what i meant and why this is so meaningful for me. I've live my life not depending on anyone. When trouble hits me, i face it alone while protecting the one i care. The one whom i thought were my friends, i do everything i can to protect them. The family, although they lashed out on me certain times, i still do everything i could to lighten their burden. Throughout this whole thing sometimes at night i fall asleep thinking if i could lean on someone's shoulder or someone would give me their strength so i can mend my own heart. It really hurt. I feel empty and cold. I really do wish sometime, someday one person will take me away from the pain that i created on my own. For the sake of love i'm vulnerable to everything around me. Until then Daisy.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

Sometimes, i feel like punching myself or strangle myself to death for my own behaviour or my traits or my own discipline. Even better from my 'self idiot'. Yes, i keep on repeating the same thing. Probably because the terms seem to be suitable at the moment. Too suitable to be true. The reason why i'm itching to punch myself or strangle myself to death because i can't contain my anger longer than i hope. The moment i trash out my sister in my blog bits and bits just flew away. After i'm done with all the cursing and whatsoever my anger all gone. And i didn't even say a thing to her or them. For goodness sake. I wonder. Did i really forget about getting angry? Probably because i don't find getting angry is a ritual in my life to the point i forgot that i should keep my anger a little bit longer so i can teach her a lesson. Or did i just put another plan in my head and my anger just died away. I think i did just that. Cause i was thinking of traveling around somewhere and leave them along with the dirty house. I'm bringing my parent with me or probably just my mom so my dad can guard her. I know her weak point and i'm going to use it if she dare to do one more thing with me. I won't leave my mom  behind because she thought she's way too good to listen to my mom and she stepped all over her without thinking anything. Baka. That's why i'm leaving my dad behind. That's what i had in my head. When it comes to planning i can easily create one. My head fill with so many tools that i need. This is much more fun than getting angry. So, probably that is the reason i forgot that i'm mad at her.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I have to apologize to you first Daisy. This will be an unpleasant post. I don't want to do this but i'm too angry to go out of the room. I'm locking myself in so i don't have to see my sister's face. I don't care if you said i'm a bad sister or whatsoever. I know she bad mouth me a lot of time in her blog or whenever she's with her boyfriend. I don't care anymore. They already think so lowly of me. I just don't care. No matter if i say don't judge the book by its cover, they already had that in their head. This really hurt me and i believe i have done nothing but be patience for the sake of my parent. Now, i don't think i'll be able to do any of that. I'll be ignoring them. I don't care anymore. I have a pride, i have a life, i have my honor also. I want them to respect me even though i'm younger but what gives them the right to look down on me??? I know i'm jobless and the highest education that i have is only Diploma and it doesn't have anything to do with science. Well, i'm sorry for being stupid and such. I'm too lazy to study for the sake of finding a job. I don't find the enjoyment there. That is my point of view. I want to learn something fun without giving the path that i chose a lot of burden in the future. Yes, i know i'll be wasting our parent's money but you guys have job, got paid and so on but all you guys could think of getting married as soon as possible. What are you??? Too eager too get out of the family matters. Not even one penny i receive from you, willingly. Not even one!!! And here you think you have given enough. Enough of what??? Enough trouble??? Wake up and smell the roses!!!

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I need inspiration before i can proceed. No, i don't want to feel miserable and such. I miss my moment. I really do need my time off. I want to travel somewhere that can really inspire.I really want to travel. I don't mind if it somewhere close but i want nature to make it happen. I wonder if people understand what i meant by that. I have to be patient in this matter for i would not rush it. I can wait forever since i never did learn how to give up. If i do give up, don't forget to congratulate me.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I don't feel good. My throat starts to hurt again. I'm thinking it must be the weather but on second thought it must be the PEPSI. I'm obsessed with that drink. It's the drink that i tend to drink when i feel so broken hearted and refuse to fix it. So i tend to drink it. It happen before when i realize i got cheated. Loyalty and such, i wonder if it ever exist these days. I should marry old guy. Not the one who die easily. No point in marrying but ended up dead easily. I've been talking about this heartbreak for days now. Bear with me Daisy. I'll get over it. I won't lie about my feelings anymore. This will take some time. Especially when you can't tell your family about how you truly feel. That would be an awkward moment. Very indeed. Neither your friends. They don't give me a sound reason and since they can't influence me with anything so i'm having a hard understanding about whatever they offer me. I know they care but my head, my heart seems to have a hard time understanding it unless i persuade myself and ignore my instinct. Complicated. Certain people just gave up. Here goes my story. From the throat, weather, PEPSI, marrying old guy, heart breaks, family and friends. I wonder if anyone gets my story so far.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

Act like nothing happen and when something does happen let's just be calm. Gosh, i'm bored. Totally bored. Hell yeah, i'm bored. Tell me what am i suppose to do? I can't find new entertainment and my mom suspect me being a lesbian. What is wrong exchanging message with my friend and i can't help it if most of my friend are in the same gender. I don't know what to call them although i know they're female. But i can't call them girls since they're in mid-20s. Ladies? I don't know. Probably. It feels weird calling them that. Let's just stick to female. Mom, i can't help it. I don't feel comfortable at all exchanging message with opposite sex without making them thinking that i'm flirting with them, without making them feel anything, without them misunderstood my meaning and without them bothering me. They talk too much or too quite for me. Or doesn't get any of the humour that i told them. It is not a failure if they manage to understand what i meant. I'm too serious, i know but i can't help it. Look at my father. I rarely see him laugh at anything. But ever since he retire i see a lot of things from him. Laugh, make joke (a failure) and smile. Now i'm taking the serious side of him but i know how to have fun if one manage to bring out the wild in me. I'm bored Daisy.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

Is it a sign? Another thing happens whenever dad's not around. It has just been a couple of hours after he left for KL and then at 4 a.m. it happen. My mom and i sleep down there for a precaution. We do such a thing whenever there's no man at home. Anyway, as usual i'll sleep early and wake up early in the morning. As in three something my eyes are threatening to become conscious (that's the first time i spell it correctly,congratulation D). So, there i was lying awake and staring the ceiling like i normally do, then turn on the laptop beside me. Just when i was about to get up, i heard the noise. The cracking noise. It was so loud that my mom gets up also. My mom told me to check upstairs and see if anything happen. I know it come from downstairs but i seal my lips at the moment. It was just a normal instinct. So, i check the upper level and see nothing nor hear anything. I went back down and there it was again. The cracking sound although it was not loud like the first one but you still can hear it. It come from the ceiling. Maybe from the fan. We can't do anything but stare at it both thinking the same thing. Wishing it stop and hopefully nothing more happen. We might know what is the reason. It was due to rotten wood that they use to build this house. Maybe, i didn't say it was the real thing but seriously, why does it have to happen whenever dad's not home? We don't know what happen then cause the sound stop but we can't assume that it has ended. Maybe it was just a beginning and probably a warning. Pray for our safety Daisy. I wonder why we always encounter this whenever dad's not home. It gave me a scare.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

Please pray for me. Pray that i can convince my mom into it. If i do have her approval then i might be leaving sooner than i thought. I know it might be selfish of me leaving my parent while i set out a journey that i chose but this is what i want. I am not trying to be stubborn or whatsoever. I just want that one journey. I know it can never fix my past but at least i can fix my future. Daisy, will you miss me? I think i'll be going for a long time and i really do hope my mom allow me to go. I know she needs me at the same time but my sisters are here so i'm not really worried. Except that she will be lonely during the day. I promise, after i finish whatever business i have there, i'll come back for her. Funny that i always talk about my mom's feeling. Probably because i talk to her most of the time. While my dad, i don't know. Suddenly i don't know what to talk about. Anyway, i really do hope she allow me to go. I just need to get every information that i need and not leaving a thing or two. Please, please,,, Better have my fingers cross.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

How interesting to see blogging early in the morning and during this hour. Is it suppose to be interesting. I'm bored. That is mainly the reason why i turn to you. I still have a lot of things to share and although it will be repetitive but bear with me. It's not like i'm telling you about myself everyday. It comes with the mood. And right now, i'm too bored to do anything and i was thinking of going out. I don't know where but maybe just somewhere. Probably the place that is not crowded. Would you care to join me Daisy? I'll tell you the name of the place and we will meet each other there perhaps? What do you think?

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

Yup, i fix my sleeping habit and which probably the reason why i didn't update anything in the middle of the night. But then i overslept. Slept like the dead in order to fix my sleeping time and then got myself miserable the next day. A tough thing to do. I forgot that my mood usually mess up when i try to fix my sleeping habit. Since i'm too fond of sleeping i could become a devil for shouting my name. I could frown almost for the whole day unless i vent my frustration onto something else. I end up singing and dancing which i haven't done for a while. I miss those moments. My mom end up scolding me for being noisy and such but i never bother to take note cause i know she didn't really care. I think she just want me to be a bit of a lady like thing which she fail big time. I don't even know why it fail. Probably because i prefer jeans and t-shirt the whole time. And most of the time because i think it can cover up my imperfection. If you're not a S-line person don't bother wearing what you think it's nice on other people. You're just wasting a whole lot of money. Then there goes with the t-shirt problem nowadays. I don't know why but it doesn't look like it used to look ages ago. Now i have to change to something that is quite dull and unfashionable. I don't really like to stand out when i go out. But it still lead to another problem. I wouldn't get any guy at all. Urgh.. But never mind the guys, i think i embarrass my friend if i went out with them. They look so fashionable and of course pretty but i look like i'm wearing a rag. I know i shouldn't have care but i can't help it. If i said i don't mind i'm being a pretender, a hypocrite which make life rather complicated. Come to think of it, why does my sleeping habit got to do with t-shirt and being fashionable? I wonder where did my thoughts lead me too. Cut the crap.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

No, i'm not being cruel or inconsiderate. Will you listen to my explanation before accusing me? Yes, i know i'm couple days late and i realize that. Daisy, i have a heart and although i want to be an inconsiderate person, my heart will tell me otherwise. It is not in my nature Daisy. Believe me. Would you believe me? The reason i didn't wish anyone 'Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha aka Hari Raya Korban' because my credit expires on the day before and it feels like hell. That is another reason why i didn't invite any of my friends to come over and celebrate. I know i could have reload via online but i don't have the time to do so. I was busy in the morning and after finish what was suppose to be done i crash myself to resume my sleep. Lack of sleep you may call that. On the day of the celebration, as usual i'll wake up early as i can be and help my mom at the same time waiting for my favourite dish to be fully cook. I know i shouldn't have said this but my mom cook 'Rojak Tambi' on my request. I'm soooooo happy. Do you know how long i wait for it? It has been nearly 5 years or something. I can't remember. But i think it's 5 years. That is how long i wait for the rojak. Now, i'm happy and i could die of happiness. Nothing can ever make my life dull after that. Despite that, to all my friends, please forgive for not replying your text, your wishes or even invite you guys and have a taste of my mom's food. You might understand why i gain weight in such a short time. I should have shoot myself for having my credit died upon me on the very crucial day. Would you forgive me? Forgiveness is a good deed.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I didn't eat rice again. I wonder what the heck is wrong with me but i did eat rice yesterday. So i think i'm going to be okay today and hopefully i can make myself eat rice again. Usually if i don't eat rice i'll stuff myself with bread but i didn't do neither and that is probably the reason why i got attacked. There are times when i don't feel like eating. When my sleeping habit becomes abnormal, my head fill up with something and when i'm thinking too hard about other things. Don't bother to ask what i'm thinking and what made me so busy like this. I'm not busy. I'm just being lazy. I don't particularly like being lazy cause it is not in my nature. But still, i am not a morning person. I don't like waking up so early. I had enough of those when i studied back in the old days. Whatever. I'm not going to fuss about this whole thing again. I've been doing that every now and then.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I notice that from my friend's blog she put up a picture of me,her and one of my friends. I bet you're guessing why i didn't make my own blog merrier with a piece of old photos of me and my friends. It's not that i don't have any friends. I do. Daisy, i am just not the type of person to show my thoughts to the world. I don't have of any intention of showing everything that i possess. To begin with, i am a possessive person and not someone who could easily show any affection on any occasion. I envy other people can show so much love toward the person that they love so much and unlike me, i can't do that kind of stuff. Even in my precious relationship with men. No, i am not cruel no matter how i'm itching to be one but it is not in my nature to force myself. Although everyday i fill my head with such a romantic and full of affection scene but i can't get myself to do any of the sorts. Truthfully, i hate this side of mine. I think it has something to do with my past and now all of the sudden i feel so lonely, my heart feel so heavy, while tears are threatening my own composure. Even towards my family i don't let them do anymore than just kissing my cheeks. I forbid them touching me and i even got mad easily when they took my warning lightly. My chest feel hurt. I can't talk about this anymore. No one understand my circumstances.

Letter to Daisy

To Eisya, i'm always trying to be strong and i know you guys are there for me but i realize you guys also have your own commitment. Don't worry. I'll manage, somehow.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I think i'm going mad, insane or have mental disorder. Something like that. All of that from the overly loaded love and imagination and remembering the things that i treasure from my favourite historical novels and of course my shoujo manga. Ah,,, I love my life. No one can even enter that side of my world. Well, probably because i never open that part of mine to anyone. Yes, love is beautiful as well as the pain that you have to go through. Unbelievable. Somebody, pull me down and let me feel gravity again. Wait, that doesn't sound right. I meant let me face the reality again. What does gravity got to do with what i'm seeing. I told you, i'm going insane, nuts and crazy. I laugh when i feel like it and say some freaking love quote or lines from the manga or the novels. I don't know what i'm suppose to do. I should stop before i embarrassed myself and clearly making people stay away from me. Oh my goodness. What the devil.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

To Zai, i wish i could give you that pizza but since you're far away, i have to eat it all alone. Maybe next time we'll eat together.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I'm healing myself at the moment. Healing myself from over eating. I guess when you get older you tend to lose your appetite. If a few years back then i could finish up two large pizza by myself, this time i can't even finish one of it. Well maybe because i was drinking Nesvita at that time. Not a good one to begin with. I get full easily and i realize that i don't eat late night anymore. No, i'm not on a diet. I don't really like dieting. You suffer from it and then what will you do? Not good for the body. Trust me. It kills all your healthy side. Lets just make yourself young although you're aging. You can't escape from getting older. Yesterday it was pizza night. All of the sudden both my sister bought pizza for us at home but that is too much. Way too much. I don't think i can eat another pizza for this whole month. My tummy don't feel good cause i eat too much. I don't want to waste it. It's a bad thing wasting food but then i can't force myself to take another bite anymore. In the end i gave up and i suffer from the pizza loaded right now.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

It's pretty cold. Been raining for almost like everyday. Not complaining. But it's just that i'm sooooo cold. Freezing. Even my blanket don't help me much. Nor my fat give me the heat that i need. I guess i understand now why you need other people's heat. In my case, i can't do any of those. Although i've dream about being embrace by someone but it is truly impossible for me. I can't. I don't like having another more skin contact and that includes having anyone touch me without reason. I know it sounds quite weird but i just don't like it ever since that day. I'm too aware of my surroundings. I just don't like it cause it feels like they're setting me on fire. Every touch that anyone make it makes me pissed off for no reason. So that is the reason why i can't be having anymore skin contact unless you're my cat. They have fur so i don't really care. If human being, i suggest you stay away from me. Try to avoid touching me.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I'm quite happy for now. Although i did nothing at all and there's not even any progress in my life. I'm still single and still talking to you Daisy and also still here. I don't really have any exciting story so this would be a dull one. Bear with me. I know someday things might get a little interesting. Be prepare to bring along your blanket, pillow and perhaps you may include your own bed so that you can doze off whenever you feel like its the end of the world. Here we go.

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I wonder why is it i always try to laugh so hard although it's not funny. I try so hard to be happy but at night i realize my happiness seems incomplete. I don't know what went wrong nor understand it but i wish even for one day i could actually grab onto the real happiness where i know it will belong to me alone. I wonder why in my head i always see happiness when i think about love. Having a relationship and etc but the thing is Daisy, i don't want to go through that. I told you i just want to be married. I don't want to go through the couple stage or so on. I don't like it and it doesn't last long. Daisy, i feel pathetic. I know i can have my own happiness but my parent don't approve my way of living. I what will happen if i do make such a big decision. I know it sounds like i'm running away again. But it's not the point. That is not what i want my parent to see. Do you think i'm up to it Daisy?

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

Yes, i'm fine now. It seems yesterday is not my day to be changing my sleep time. It's annoying. I wake up in the middle of the night feeling much awake. And then what did i end up doing? Hanging out on the net. Whatever i meant by that. I don't pretty much hate it but i need to fix my habit of sleeping late and waking up on noon. Seriously, whoever want a lady who wakes up late. Wait, why i'm concerning myself over this thing. Arghhh,,, I've gone mad. I'm bored Daisy. As in really bored. Why wouldn't i be bored? I've been reading the same novel each day and never bother to see sunshine or even bother to go out the house. I wish i could be out there somewhere but i'm in prison for the time being. Not that i meant real prison. But just house arrest. Okay, i'm making it sounds real. No, it's not the real thing. It's the term i use when i don't have a choice but to stay at home. While everyone is heading out, i'm the only one who have nothing to do but stay inside the house. I'm bored. I want to go out probably visiting MPH again. Somebody please bring me out. I'm bored to death already.