I'm in a dilemma. I don't know how will i be able to get used to their love so suddenly like this. I really don't know. I think i'm still dreaming. Yup, i am dreaming right now. Maybe someday i'll might wake up and cherish this dream. Wondering why i said that? Well, just scroll on.
Here's the thing Daisy, out of the blue my family want to have a barbecue event for me before i went off to my sister's place. And they want to make it by the weekend. I would love to enjoy it but i already told my mom about my plan going to Sematan on 25th until 26th. And i promise my friend that i'll be there and confirm everything. Then, out of nowhere, my mom suddenly told me that my sister is going to make a barbecue event for me on that day. I'm having a headache. I told my mom i want to join cause there's nothing that would make me happy than a family gathering with all of them present. I love this type of event and this is my biggest wish. My eyes would get all teary just imagining it and seeing it become a reality is just overwhelming. But then, i already promise my friends. Although my mom understands it, i feel burden just thinking of it. She didn't force me and she's aware of my plans are for that day but between a family and friends i would dissed my friend just for that to come true. I would have done it but i can't. I have to make up for my friends whom i will not be seeing for next year. But then, that is the same with my parent. Yes, i'm torn. Although the solution is there and i've decided that, but it still bug me. I can never get this straight in my head and my friends probably don't understand what i meant when all they could see if fun and such. Like i always said, they don't see what i see. Although we're the same age but there's something that they can't see. They thought it's the same cause our age and such but their understanding off whats around them is completely different from what i see.I'm making myself sounds old am i? This is how i am. I am old and going to be all wrinkle if i don't take care of myself. Not like i intend to have a husband and such, so i'm not that worried. Just my health i'm talking about. Just that. I realize i've done too much of heavy lifting duties. I guess this whole strength grows withing me. I don't care how people see me. I don't want to bother about that. It is not like i have a choice. In my family, there's no guys and only us, girls. So think why i'm doing the heavy lifting thing. That explains it all right? Yes, i do have brother-in-laws but one live across the sea and the other are newly wed and going to become a dad. Beside, they don't live with us. So no, there's still no guys in this house except for my dad who's advised by the doctor not to do anymore heavy lifting stuff. What do you want me to do when you're in that position. Some would just ignore it but i'm not in that group. That is why i'm lifting every heavy things and climbing whatever needs to be climb in this house. Part of me do have the guy's strength while my feminine side seems to fade away. I guess. But to tell you the truth Daisy, i am not always healthy when i do this sort of stuff. I don't want to tell my parent about it. I'll get even more worried and i will feel useless if i tell them such. I know i should take care of myself but i want to be a devoted daughter. People won't understand it. They never will unless they see it also.
I am rambling like an old woman over and over again. I guess my age seems to be the cause of everything. I've been talking about the same thing and i've been saying that people won't understand and such over and over again. I kept on thinking how to make them understand and how to make them see what i see. Yes, i worry about my family, my parent cause i care for them. I am not a good daughter to begin with and i have once ran away from them and do bad things behind their backs but i know and will always know that i'll come back to them no matter what. This is where i belong. That is why i don't take things easy nowadays. Oh gosh. I've done it again. Daisy, will they understand what i meant by this? Will they be able to see it Daisy? I am so worried. But Daisy, i know there are some parents out there are not like my parent and the children gave up upon them, if that is the case Daisy, how can i make them understand about the life that i see is not only the life that i lead? I really want to help them Daisy. I say the craziest thing but i truly do want to save them. I will be able to do so Daisy. Mark my word. Anyway Daisy, i think i tire you out with my old woman's rambling. Next time i'll make sure you won't feel the pain that i'm in. Until then Daisy.
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