I am quite tired of it. Of everything. I really don't know what to expect anymore. Everyone is changing, making plan and cancel it as they please. Finds an excuses for everything. I have enough trouble going in my head and when i make decision, it is what i chose. Yes, i do feel burden in every decision that i make but i can't cut myself into two or three or four. I can't even duplicate myself and i don't have any intention to get myself a clone. In other words, i can't satisfy everyone needs. I understand that much so why can't they? I really thought i make myself clear already. This is killing me. I don't want to get angry on this matter but i have to say, i'm frustrated over the effort that they are putting. Yes, i complained a lot and there's always something wrong in my eye. I could fix it but i refuse to do so and i refuse to interfere anymore. I was too broken hearted at the first place and now, i have to deal with this. I could say it straight to their face instead of stating it here like a coward but how many of them can take my wrath positively? I know only one of them can since she keep on pestering and messing with my mood anyhow she please. But i never take it to heart and i always apologize if i get the feeling that she doesn't get my response. I am really getting weary with all this.
Daisy, you know what? I gave up on my friends a long time ago. I guess what my mom says was right after all. I try so hard to tell my mom that i do have a friend and how i care for them no matter what. But my mom and my sisters don't believe that i ever had a friend. I guess, they saw more than meet the eyes. This really hurts and i somehow see it now. Last time, i thought it was just my imagination. I told myself, they have their own commitment, busy with their life and had a lot to handle. But as time pass by, i come to see what my family saw and keep telling me. This is what my family will say to me everytime i asked their permission about going out or whatever it is that we plan so suddenly. They will use the same script over and over again.
"Do you have a friend?"
It's embarrassing. I keep on telling them i do have friends and such. I keep on convincing them that i have friends. Now, things have become like this. With the plan that they don't really take for granted, i guess i become the laughingstock for my family. I guess i have to thank my friend for all this. And i guess i understand why my family didn't believe that i have a friend.
I'm a weirdo come to think of it. I didn't expect i'm going to write such a gloomy and something hurtful today. I do wonder if people did really want to see me being mean. Tsk. Daisy, this is what i see from my parent's view. It's impossible for me to have a friend because i have a weird attitude, bad temper and do what i only please. This is what i see from my parent's view. I see it now since finally their action speaks louder than words. I am not a mind reader and this is what i think. But i do know one thing, this post will probably hurt them right now cause they don't think such and they will think i'm selfish and so on. Well, i'm tired by it and what exactly do they want me to do? I better stop being a good person now. If this is all about my previous post and such, i thought i already make myself clear but since they already told me what to do when i already make a decision, then it's fine. A reunion among us is really impossible since they are too caught up with the temptation around them. I am fine.
I always says that when i had enough of everything. Anyway, now that i'm not going to join them then i'll be making my own plan before i leave. I am angry now since i have tolerate enough of their whining and such. So, fine. I'll tell my family to proceed with the barbecue and then on the next day i'll ask a friend of mine to join for lunch or for dinner with the money that i save for this trip. I'm getting tired of canceling and rearranging my schedule. Although i am jobless, it doesn't mean i have nothing to do. Yes, i am obviously mad at them. This is what i get for hoping and waiting. Stupid me. How many times will i ever get it in my head? Yeah, i'm the bad guy for having such a temper and being indecisive. They're the good and the angel of everything. It always seem that way no matter what. When i think about how i was hurt while trying to protect her it seems stupid and useless. What do they really know? When i think about how i trusted them it make me look like a weirdo out of nowhere. What do they really know?
I am not going to say your name but i just want to tell you, i am frustrated with what you guys did.and i am angry as well. If you guys are just half-hearted about this trip then don't bother of inviting me. Although i am jobless and such, i do have works to do. If i already confirm of my going don't question my decision or tell me what to do no matter what troubles me after that. I don't care if you're hurt. I was hurt before and have been patience enough and tolerable until that particularly message really make me hurt. I know you are trying to lessen the burden on my shoulder but that is not how i see or think. That is what i said, don't just go with the word understand when you didn't really understand the true meaning of it.
Because of all this, i am not sure i'll be anticipating with anymore of the upcoming plan that they had. I have to face my family again and tell them there's a change of plan and become the laughingstock for them. I really should have just said my goodbye and expect nothing. I'm sorry you had to hear all this Daisy. I was upset with them. Upset, frustrated and tired. That is what i felt. They don't understand because they don't see me anymore. I told you, i understand too many and learn it too fast. So, they can't see what i see. I keep on saying this right Daisy? I guess with what i've been through and without anyone to protect me, i learn a lot while seeing it. It really hurt when your own friend do that to you. But i'm always the bad guy. They always see me like that. This really wears me out. Sorry Daisy, for this thing. I was looking forward for nothing. They use me as their excuse. I am just granting their wishes. Until then Daisy
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