I'm kind like on a journey again. To where and what i still don't know. Every now and then i got myself lost but it's part of my life. Somehow i don't know what i want.Like i said, somehow i don't know what i want. What my heart desires the most. I don't know at all. You might see me as someone who can't hold onto the same answer when asked the same question. If it is anything other than the complicated matter (heart and love) i sure know what my answer would be and without a doubt i will give the same answer stubbornly and will debate on any questionable act. I'll fight hard and be stubborn to the bone. But when it comes to love and marriage i keep on swaying from left to right. Like the grass being swayed by the wind. It's just like that. More like, i kind of give up of dreaming to be happily ever after when it comes to love and marriage. Its a disaster. I'm single and 25. Not what i had in mind. It's not like i didn't open my heart but i just became a very cautious person when it comes to love and marriage. I want it to last forever like in romantic novels that i read dozens of time. And i envy the elder couple who still look at each other with such loving. I want that. To still be able to travel and do things together. A lovely couple. I want to married someone like that. But i'm not perfect and due to this i kind of give up of the thought wanting like that. I have my past that i want the one that i love to forgive me and accept me. If i could erase it and rewind it, i probably just do that. I have to go on, right? Despite my regret and the walls that i happen to built because of my past, i don't dare to live in that dream anymore. I'm scared Daisy. Secrets are not forever. What if people talk? I still could put my head up when they badmouthed me. But what about to the one that i love? I'll just break them apart. Break their heart. I'm really scared Daisy. Which is the reason why i could not keep a firm answer when it comes to love and marriage. I want to love someone and get married but i don't want to hurt the one i love. I know i am not a knight and just an ordinary girl but if i still have the power to protect the one i love, which would i choose? I want their happiness more than mine. I want their laughter and smiles everywhere more than mine. I want their heart to stay protected more than mine. If i could do that, you do understand why i could not give a firm answer to love and marriage.
Daisy, right now i do feel a little bit of loneliness. It's still not bad since i have my parents and my family. They keep me busy and they are the reason why i'm not lonely. But lately i dread about one truth. The truth about every living thing will die. What would happen to me? If i were to die earlier than my family, i still think its okay. But what about otherwise? Especially when it comes to my parent? I couldn't stomach the thought of them leaving me first for i sure don't know how will i ever live by then. They are my pillars. My happiness and what kept me happy. But if that would happen, i'm scared i will lose all my sanity. I am not that strong but i try my hardest to be strong. So, dear Daisy, i don't want to be single all of my life. I too want to love and get married for i do not want to worry my parent up until the end. I don't want to be alone. Please Daisy, if that someone is really out there for me, tell him to come to me or show himself. I want to find him, that someone, the one who holds onto my other heart, i want to find him. Daisy,,, Until then Daisy.