Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

..................

Don't ask me why i'm still here at this hour. My head, my heart it kills me. I really hope i'm strong enough but sometimes when i'm satisfied with what i had, i'm tested by the old memories. I haven't really let it all go or get over it. Time is giving me a lot of opportunity to help me through all this. Despite there are times where i become very frustrated and impatient, i still manage to keep it all together. What i'm going through is not something that i want to boast or show this part of mine. I don't want people to misunderstood my meaning. I'm just trying to move forward and share it to those who are in the same shoe. I know i'm not the only and everybody have their own problem. I know that cause i keep on getting a reminder from other people saying that they have their own problem also. What is their point for saying that actually? It's not like i just come out from my mom's womb. I almost wrote down tomb instead of womb. Wonder how your reaction would be if i wrote those accidentally. It would be the talk of the town.

I'm trying to get myself some sleep here. I need it cause tomorrow i have a long way to go. Yes, i could sleep along with my nephew but i might overslept. My head starts to get heavy now. I guess i'm starting to drift off. Probably. Cause i'm scared that the moment i put my head down, i'll have a lot of images or just anything plays inside my head. It's hard when you're alone and try so hard to fight back all of those tears. The only time that you can actually shed a tear when you watch a sad drama or some touching story. You use it as your moment to let go of certain things one by one. That is what i've gone through. Since i don't want to show that i'm in pain to my family, i shed my own tears that way. Daisy, i'm fighting so hard for it to happen. For my dream and just everything. Especially my happiness. But like i said in my previous post, in the middle of achieving something i have to sacrifice certain things. Now that i gave up the thought of marrying, i wonder what will i get in return. I would wait for the answer to come and just keep giving my all. 

Dear heart of mine, please keep mending yourself with some super glue so i don't have to hear it break again. No matter who you are and how you want to be indifferent, please don't be alone. When your past seems to be torturing you, please don't cut yourself from the world. Please don't be like me. Fighting all of this tears, pain and frustration all alone, is not something that i want you to do. Everyday you have to wear a mask, build a wall against your heart while fighting to be happy at the same time, is a tiring thing to do. Sometimes i wish Allah would take my life away, other times i wish i could run away and so little i thought about how nice that i'm still alive to this day. Don't be alone no matter what. Even the people that you know wants to be alone, don't let them. Just keep holding onto them until they cry like no tomorrow. Just keep doing that to make them open up to you and trust you if you really care about the people around you. But no matter what, you,yourself have to be happy as well and give it to them. Don't be like me. Just don't.

Until then Daisy. Keep loving me although i'm unable to do the same for you.