Saturday, January 29, 2011

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

Finally i'm able to update this whole thing. I lost my pen so i can't update or share anything in the book that i have with me. Although it is just a pen but i really love that pen. You could say that pen save me from everything that happen around me. It save my heart and were always there when i needed it. I've been searching for it and i know my nephews were the one at fault. I put it in a proper place and hidden but as usual curious kids like them really challenge me in every way. Somehow i just have to accept that it is no longer there. It has been a while i didn't write anything but i start off by talking about my pen. Now that is something that you can expect from me.
Actually, i forgot what i want to share with you Daisy. I do have terrible memory when it comes to something that lingers in my head for a long time and when i thought of letting it go, it went some places that can never be found. Okay, what is that suppose to mean? I don't know. Remind me what i meant by that.

I've been thinking Daisy, whether being like this is making the whole situation hard on me and on my friends. I don't know. I wish i have all the answers to my questions but this is not something that can happen without any sacrifices. I realize for every answer that you need, you have to sacrifice several things before you can see the answer yourself. This is a tough one. I wonder if i ask about love, i wonder how much i have to sacrifice to get all the answer that i want. I'm always scared if it will be my freedom or my happiness. Even right now i'm fighting every other way just to have that piece of happiness that none could see. Now what am i saying? It's all because of the song that my sister asked me to download. Air Supply's song. And because of that i've been feeling rather down. Let's not talk about the sad one shall we?

I'm worried. I'm worried because i am not a great cooker and my nephews turn to be a picky eater. I only have limited dish in my head that i can confidently cooked and none of it are healthy. What am i supposed to do? The funny thing is, even there's recipe book in this house i'm unable to succeed anything out of it. But when i ask my mom for the recipe it turns perfectly. I can't believe i have to handle all this and i did wonder why i take this offer. Well, i can answer that. I'm bored, stressed out and i just need something to work on. That is why i'm taking this offer. As it turns out i'm more stressed out like this. Since the same old thing follows me just wherever i go. And right now don't think that i have lots of money. Cause i'm facing with a lot of debt right now. No, i did not loan and so on beside my educational loan. I have too many things to keep up and to pay. This month i gave all my salary to my mom since i can't stand the talks about money. It was suppose to be a good plan but as it turns out my mom want me to participate in paying for the new cabinet. I'm fine with that but what once suppose to be the perfect plan seems to be a disaster cause my mom still nags about money that my sister suppose to bank in last month. Seriously, what am i suppose to do. But there's finally an end when my sister dealt with it ear to ear. Cause before this i become the listener and it does stress me out. I know it is not my problem but i'm being foolish and this is just the way i am. Yes, i was thinking of killing myself to end my stupidity and coward act that i put upon myself on. I know all the answer and what needs to be done but instead i'm taking it all upon me. At first i was thinking about finally be able to gain my mom's attention but as time pass by it was all about my sister no matter what. But even i knew the truth i still can't stop and that is why i'm getting all stressed out for nothing.

I was talking about my cooking ability and then jump to being a listener and so on. Ughhh. This is killing me. Help me. I should be helping myself. Daisy, can i be single forever? Or will i be single forever? My heart yearns for a married life but some part of me yearn to be single. I'm just so confused. Life itself is confusing.

I want to talk to someone. Not over the phone or through message. But face to face. I need someone to listen and give me something that i need. I am feeling rather lonely. Sometimes i'm scared that i might break apart and without any advice or anything, i won't be able to fix myself. I really want to talk to someone. Until then Daisy.

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