Monday, January 17, 2011

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I really did wish that i could disappear into thin air. Or be someone who could fall off from the world or the so-called-earth. But it's impossible unless there ain't more gravity that could hold onto me. I'm dead. I didn't realize i have to deal with another heart matter. And here i am feeling all proud cause i finally move on and forget about him. That was my happiest moment and it's what i called freedom because i can do whatever i want and start dreaming of something big. As usual, it ain't always sunshine. There has to be rainy day and here comes the rain along with the thunder to shakes my peaceful place. Seriously, does he really have to come back? When i buried it all already and when i've decided to just live how i always wanted without any worries. If i do have worries, mostly it's about me. Unfortunately, what i want seem to be the hardest thing to reach at the moment. I guess it is time for me to face what i called the grown up thing. I'll tell you more. So, read on.
I wish i never did online that day but if it was something that seems like a message then i'm not going to complaint anymore than that. Here's the thing, he came back. Out in the blue he chatted with me and ask me not to go offline. That wasn't his first time of trying to contact me. Since he lost my number and the only way he can contact me is through Facebook. Back to the story, he told me he got accepted to UPSI to further his studies. I'm happy for him cause i know that was one of his dreams. Yes, i still remember though i said i bury it all but i can't help of remembering the things that i know for so long. It would be a lie if i said i forgot about it since i have pretty good memory to begin with, if i listen well. After he told me all about his whereabouts and etc he ask me where i am and i don't see why i need to lie, so i just told him that i'm at my sis's place. Then all of sudden he mention that his place is not far from the place that i'm living in. Since i am not so good in geography i didn't comment a thing about that but i was confused. So what??? That has been played in my head but i actually know the answer. It's pretty obvious. He's trying to asked me out since he told me that he won't be going back this Chinese New Year. We were cut off cause he got some activity going on and then that night i message him. Read on.

Since i'm confused due the brief conversation, i message. I ask him why he needs to tell me all that since between me and him it's over and i have already move on. Then he told he his real intention. He wants me back and such. I was surprised. Who wouldn't since he rejected me countless times in the past and not long ago i already told him that i won't be messaging and whatsoever with him anymore and i have give up on getting his heart back.. So that is why i thought it's done and when he comes back with all this obvious intention and hearing his confession once again i felt empty and confused. That is the only thing that i felt. Well, of course i felt a little bit happy but i've bury my memories with him already. Not to mention, i put such a ridiculous and high standard that i can think off so that it will be impossible for me to fall in love again or to ever have any relationship again. When he told me all this, i told him all about my demands. Demands with a 's' if you haven't notice. Then as usual, men are good with their sweet talk and such so i use my own way and charm to turn back his words. I told him if i'm still single by the time he finished his studies and got a job then he can propose me. But if either me or him already have someone else, we should really move on. Let time decide what is best. That is the safest answer that i could give. I'm just not ready yet and i don't know when i'll be ready. The reason i didn't accept him straight away because i'm scared i'll be looking at other guys and not looking at him. I know he's a good person but there's something missing. I have no doubt that i can be loyal but i want to feel the warmth of LOVE. That is all i want.

Here i am Daisy, still wondering and thinking what is it that is missing. I know it's LOVE but there's something else. This heart thing is making me feeling lots of thing. Too much thinking. I wish someone would have tell me what to do besides asking me to start all over again. Hell no. I can't bear of starting to stage one and then the next stage. Let's just skip it. Like one of the Mary Balogh's novel that i read. "Come, dance with me and tomorrow i'll stop by at your house, we'll get married and have kids." Then the lady answer " Does it have to be in that order?". Guys out there... Hear me out. DOES IT HAVE TO BE IN THAT ORDER? Whatever happen to them. I thought i already state what i want. If you want it, then go and ask from my parents and i'll decide if i want to reject or not. Bwahahahahaha. Nah, just kidding. But whatever my decision is, it will be a secret. Until then Daisy.

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