Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I'm loving the song that i'm hearing right now. Well, i do tend to like to listen to something unique and usually that is my taste in every thing. My friends, my favourite things, the music of my choice and etc. I can't write the whole thing that i like can i? I'll be making you doze off before i could start telling you some more bedtime story. Nah, just kidding. I don't have any good story anyway. I finally found my pace in doing things and finally i get to feel comfortable. Not that comfortable but at least not too awkward. Yes, i do have a problem with socializing with outsiders aka strangers. I seem to be making myself a fool to their eye or someone who don't know how to socialize. Pardon me for all that. I have some issue with my confidence when it comes to talking with people that is connected to my family or connected to my friends. Cause i don't know what story that they bring to them and tell them about me, so i can't be comfortable at all. If it was with strangers i have two choice. Ignore them or return a great deal to them by smiling if i have the mood, that is. Always with condition when i'm doing something rather extraordinary in my safe zone. Now, why did i talk about this? Something ignite my hand to keep on typing something rather unimportant. Probably.

So, Daisy, how's life? Are you still wondering about one of my friend? In the end, i'm just a nobody and a busybody. But i do regret of getting hurt. I don't like getting hurt by my friend because i'll hurt them more and won't stop being evil. And here i am wondering how did my life turn out to be this way. You know what Daisy, the bond itself is important and the only bond that i treasure the most in my entire life. Seriously, i don't have that much friend. When i was small, my family move a lot. By the time i started to get a close friend, i lost them. Then when i was in secondary school, i live in hostel. I don't like it at all. The seniors are nice and took care of me a lot since all of my sisters are there so whether i like it or not, i'm already famous there. For the first time i'm hurt by other student who are jealous of me, i received a hateful letter, my things, my books and so on went missing or torn, i was flabbergasted. Ever since then i learn the word hurt, pain and i remember i start to hurt myself, making me bleed. Until now the scars are still there. Then by the age of 15, i move since i don't do well in my exam and such. I was happy for a second when i heard my father's voice and how he talk so lowly about me to my grandparent. That is the first time i ever cry because of his words. The next day i told my mom i don't want to live in a dorm anymore. She didn't listen. She still send me to different school and live in a dorm. I was heartbroken. I remember i want to run away. I make a vow to myself that i'll run away when i receive my SPM result the next time. And i also pray that i won't be hurt anymore. It was happy at first but as usual people can be mean. Ever since the handphone incident, they target me for no reason at all. Come to think of it, it wasn't me who told the handphone thing to the wardens. But then i get the aftermath. It is rather interesting. What they talk about me that night, i still remember. I am not someone who can forget easily. My memory works better with this painful past. My stupidity of believing to protect really kills me. In conclusion, i don't have good memories when i'm in secondary school. Someone needs to remind me the good memory cause i don't remember anything good about it.

If you're asking me what is my happy memories with friends. I would say when i further my study doing diploma. I learn more about life and see what i wanted to see. But yes, there is only one black spot in that whole time. Happiness don't really belong to us and that is why sometimes it can be taken away instantly. But during that diploma time, i finally have my true friends. They belong to my nakama. One whom i met when i'm in secondary school and got close after i finished my secondary and the other one whom i met when i further my study. One, i always send my updates since she can't read me yet. And the other, whom i rarely exchange texts since we instantly know what is in one's head. The updates about each other, we conclude it in a different way. That is why i treasure my two friends. I can't say anything about anyone else and i do hope they are not upset about this whole thing. I need time to put my trust in them. time to see if they are worth it. Picky? Yes, i am being that since i don't have good memory in making friends. But i told you this story in my previous post didn't i? Sorry for repeating it again. My head seems to be thinking a lot of things and there is not much news from me right now. 

Sorry again Daisy for repeating this whole thing. I haven't found someone that i feel satisfied to talk about this. That is why i keep repeating the same old thing. I want to gain someone's attention. I hate to admit that i need someone special to hear me out. Sometimes i imagine some stranger that pass by and i would talk mindlessly and he would listen. You might be thinking does that person have to be a he? To answer that, yes Daisy. It has to be a he. Since i want to see from the men's eye. I know i should be thinking like a lady but i can't. I'm more comfortable thinking like a man. As if. Gosh, wake up D. Anyway Daisy, until i find someone to be my suitable husband and until i do open my heart, then maybe i'll stop talking about this painful thing. Until then Daisy.