Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

I'm sad Daisy. The memories and the pain it all comes back tonight. One of the thing that i'm always scared of is having the memories and the pain come back haunting me. It all seems so fresh, i want to forget all about it and i want to get away from all this. It hurt and it's so painful. How did i had my poker face at the moment and smile at their words. How did i not leave a single tear while they said so many things about me. How did i endure all that but the heartbreaking haunts me until now. It really hurts and i'm really in pain.

Daisy, help me. Usually i don't ask for help but suddenly i really need someone beside me to mend my heart. My life is not like it was used to be. Should i go somewhere else again. I wonder why is it we can't be like a normal family up until the end. I know i'm big now. I'm a lady now and i have to think for myself. Every decision and all i have to make them. I have to be independent. I know all that but what i need now is their love and attention. Recently they forgot all about me. My mom who forgot her promise to me. My sister who treat me like a real maid and complaints on the things that she's not keen of. Why now? Why now??? That is all i'm asking. Why now? I don't care what my father did to me. I don't care anymore. But this whole thing hurt.

Daisy, you know what pains me the most and the pain that i always remember when i'm alone at night and this whole thing haunts me. My dad, when i didn't get straight A's for my PMR he badmouthed me at my grandparents while i was playing with the computer and heard everything that he says. I remember the whole thing. What i remember the most when he told my grandparents to marry me off. I was 15 at that time. Imagine how i felt. My heart was still pure and innocent about the harsh world. The moment he says such a thing from that day onwards all i could see is the pain. That one night i let myself cry until i thought i couldn't stop. That is what i remember from my dad. My mom who seems all nice but forgot all about me. The one and only blacksheep of the family. I'm fine if they mock about my weight and all but sometimes i wish they see the effect that they give to me. My mom, for a Laksa i have to wait a couple of years to eat it. Even for food she have to be mad at me for asking too much. Did i ask for diamond or gold to glitter my finger and neck? I did wonder about that. I've tried everything i could to impressed her and to get her attention but whenever i voice my thought or telling you my dream it seems like i was just an invisible person to you when you listen to what my sister says. It hurts and painful for me. I wish you would just support me. I don't care if others criticize me for my oblivious dreams but when you said the same thing somehow the pain just get worser. I wonder if you remember the promise that you made with me before i head to KL. I ask you to find me a suitable husband if i'm still not married by the age of 26. I wonder if you remember all that. I don't think so for when i recently called you and ask how you're doing and all you told me that you don't care about anyone anymore. You want to go to Makkah and die there. I was happy when you say you want to go to Makkah but i was dumbstruck when you said you want to die there. At that moment all i could think of 'Mom,did you forget about your promise again? Did you forgot about me again?'. That's all i could think of at that moment. From that moment i really felt i was alone the whole time. After all i done, you still can't see me or miss me right? I guess i shouldn't come home anymore. Not until you remember about me and not until you miss me. My other sister, it's fine if you want to mock me. But somehow you should know what happen when you overlooked at something that you thought was fun and in the end i was the one who suffer. It's fine if you tease me about me having a diploma and jobless but somehow you should look where you're standing and open your eyes wide enough and see what you have done to me. Although i don't say anything nor get mad it's only for the sake of mom and because i love our family so much. That is the only reason why i refuse to say anything or even cry. That is why i only shut my mouth. But you know when i'm mad but then you make yourself blind just to satisfy yourself. What would it feel like if you were in my shoe.

Even up until now, the moment i start remembering all of this it really tears me apart. I have no one to lean on anymore Daisy. My friend found their love one to lean one, my family left me out in every exciting moment and i have no one Daisy. I look like a beggar. A beggar who's thirst for love and attention. I refuse to blame it on my family for making me like this but i don't know who to point except for myself. It hurts Daisy. Lend me your shoulder. Don't tell me to be strong anymore. Just let me cry.

Up until now i've been telling you the pain that haunt me. I guess you might be bored with my pain and nagging. Somehow i need to let it out. You might hear it again in the future but i hope this will lessen my pain by telling you Daisy. Until then.
P/S To anonymous thank you for the support. I know i'm not alone but right now, that is all i'm feeling and yes i am alone with walls around me and the sound of fan to be my music. No one beside me and no one to lean on for me to cry. I'm thinking of going away again. 

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