Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Letter to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

Yes, it has been another day and i'm still standing strong. This is when i'm starting to wonder what went wrong? It's tough answering this very question in your head. I wish i had the brain like a man so i don't have to worry about any small matter. I wonder why 'us' (women) have to be so sensitive in every small matter and take it to a level that you wish to knock your head against the wall. Try that and let me know if you're still alive without any side effect. Wondering what happen to me today? Ermmmmmm,,,,

Let see,,,,, Nah, there's nothing happen beside my silent war between my mom and me still goes on. I'm no sulking anymore nor i'm mad but i don't about my mom but it seems like we can't talk just like before anymore. We try to create a conversation but it all becomes awkward. I guess this is the worst war that i have ever had with my mom. It's hard and i really don't know what to do. I do know but it all becomes awkward. The awkwardness just had to be the GREAT WALL OF CHINA between us. The thing is, i know i'm wrong even though people might see it otherwise but what can i do? No matter what i did was right but if my mom thinks its wrong then by all means it is. So back to my explanation, i know i'm wrong but it's really hard for me to say sorry everytime we fight and all. We pretend things that happen didn't really happen and we tend to avoid the topic as well. I know it is not a good solution but i don't want to hurt her. I know i never fight back and say what i want to say. I'm too scared. Too scared of hurting people around me. I'm scared i'll regret it, losing them and being alone. It hurt. Words can eventually kill someone when it becomes to painful for them to bear it all. I know that feeling and it hurt. I know well enough that i don't dare to do that to others. I may seem cruel with my action but how many times have i ever said something that can hurt someone? This is not me. Thats why someday, just day one day i hope someone please tell me what to do so i can cry more freely without the help of television as my reasons for crying. Please,,, Just give me that one day and tell me what to do.

Daisy, i've been feeling so down lately. I know all of this happen because of the fight that i had with my family. It's painful and i'm quite tired Daisy. I keep on thinking, will they let me go peacefully if i ever die in the middle of this? Oh Daisy, i know i sound so dramatic by now but it hurt and i don't know who to talk to. I don't know who. Daisy, if my dreams become the pain for everyone then tell me when will i ever stop become the puppet? All i ever wanted was for my mom to support me and that is all. I don't care if my friend criticize me but i just want my mom to support me. Sometimes, i'm trying so hard to keep me living but sometimes i give up on living. Can i leave now Daisy? Can i really leave this world and face my punishment for all the sins that i've done in the next stage? I'm tired and i want to give up. But,,,, It's hard.

Daisy, though i receive a good news but it can never heal the pain that i'm taking right now. Until then Daisy


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