Yes, it has been a rough week or maybe month for me right now. I don't know what happen but i tend to mess up really well. Wondering what i meant by that? Well i suggest you wouldn't want to ask... But if you really want to know, i shall tell you. I'm quite in a bad shape for now.
It's like this. My mind is going to a stage where i start to become a rebellious girl or women. I don't know why i have to make myself stubborn to the bone to the point that i wish somebody just shoot me or slap me in the face for making things difficult. My mom ask me to update my SPA thing while my heart ignore every word what my mom says since i made up my mind to start my business. So i end up not talking to her while trying to persuade my heart to just update the whole damn thing. Then as thing gets to the point that i nearly made my heart do it, my mom starts nagging me about the SPA thing again. So, i guess i was frustrated that she tell em to do so many things before and it makes me doesn't want to do anything at all. I'm quite tired of doing whatever she tells me to do so i rebel against her. I know it's childish of me by doing so but i really could not help it. I guess it's because of the heat and i'm in my stress mode. I get so confused with what my mom wants and i really don't have any idea how to make her happy anymore. It's killing me. Today she told me to do this, to make currypuffs, then the next day she told me to join the bakery course, then she starts making me to further my study, then she makes me update the SPA and apply this and that, after that she told me to go to the bakery course again and in the end i get frustrated and tends to shut my mouth. I know i should voice out my opinion but i just can't. She's my mother and i love her. Although sometimes she throws out a very hurtful word to me but i could never do the same since i know how it can actually tear her apart just like she did to me. Right now, i just wish my mom let me make the decision. I know it has been 2 years i'm unemployed and she's worried about the PTPTN loan and my dad is going to retired this year but just let me breathe and let me do it my way. I hope she can trust me and let me go. I know my dreams have to wait but i'm working on it. I'm trying to make it come true. That is all i've been doing. In the end, i did update my SPA but i didn't tell her yet. I'm still frustrated and sulking. Don't bother. I wish someday or one day there's one person who can persuade me whenever my heart turns to rock or whenever i sulk. Things may get easier that way. That is just a wish. I should put it in my wish list. Guess i have to wait for 10 or 50 more years to come. If,,,
There's another thing that bothers me. You know i'm still holding my ex's album. I know i keep telling him to take it but then since he got all cocky and demanding i end up getting extremely mad at him. It's annoying and i feel like punching him in the face. So now, i'm putting his name in reject list. So, whenever he tried to call me he will be rejected right away. I think so. So. he's been trying to get through but unfortunately he can't. It has been ermmmm,,,let me guess, i think weeks or so. It started on Earth Hour so count it up. I'm tooo lazy to do so. Up until now. Right now, i'm still thinking whether i should give it back and be a nice girl or should i just do what my sister says. BURN & THROW IT AWAY. I kept on thinking burning it but my angel side of mine trying to make me do good things. I kept on asking the very same question but i get upset by the thought of being nice to him. I'm trying to ask my sister about it but they keep giving me the same answer and tried to ask my friend, they just disappeared right away. I tried to ask my boyfriend but i can't get in touch with him since he's offshore. So, it gets really frustrating and i'm too upset to figure out everything. WHY I CAN SOLVE AND BE THERE FOR MY FRIEND/FAMILIES BUT THEY CAN'T BE THERE FOR ME? WHY IS IT I WAS ALWAYS ALONE TO MAKE THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION? I'm very frustrated over this. I really do wish someone would be here for me. Help me ALLAH.
Until then Daisy. This is a long frustrating moment for me. Until then.
'REMEMBERING DAISY'
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